Grandma's cookies, music, and finding myself again.

What do you like to do for fun ? A friend asked me this question and I found I could not answer it at all. I realized after I gave her a lame answer, that I really can not remember the last time I did something fun. This question has been on my mind since then. And so it has sent me into deep reflections.  I really struggle with who I am alot. I am sad most of the time. I beat myself up and then I hate myself more for it. This stupid blog was supposed to be a place to share my happy life, well I suck at blogging, it is one more thing on my checklist of things I suck at. I try to please people too much and i  care what people think of me way more than i know I should. I am trying to change that though, but it is not easy. I don't want to go down my sad pathetic path of hurt right now that is not what this post is about.

Anyways, during the course of time since asked that question and amid all my emotional battle with myself, three seperate events happened that helped me to answer this question that has been nagging at my heart.

The first was:

I was checking up on my friends on facebook and a  friend shared her fun morning of dancing in her kitchen the other day and I realized,  I used to go dancing, all the time, my roommates and I used to go to clubs every weekend. I danced with my best friend on the school playgrounds all over town. I loved dancing, I wasn't going to win any contests but I didn't care. In my mind I was the best dancer in the world and I didn't care what anyone thought  of my dancing. I didn't care. When did I start caring what people thought of me? When did I stop dancing?  I am not really sure, and it doesn't really matter. The point is what followed was a long and awful battle with Depression that has taken it's toll on my body and spirit.

A therapist once told me that I should start a blog to get my feelings out, so I could let go of some of the hurt, she thought it might be therapeutic. Well that was a long time ago, I did start one, to share my kids accomplishes and pictures with my family and friends who live far away. It quickly became a reminder of one more thing I failed at. I have a lot of failures.

Music has been my relief and joy. I have always loved music. I love to sing and dance and I like almost every kind of music. I even love Country music now thanks to my husband. I love spiritual hymns because they lift my soul and fill me with the spirit. I sang in the institute choir in Seattle, and Bro. Salmond taught me to sing with the spirit and share the message of the song with reverence and it will strengthen my testimony of Christ and my Heavenly Father, he was right. His lessons have stuck with me for years and when I was in the throngs of despair my therapist helped me to see my way back to some hope through both music and hanging onto my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I like most people with depression have forgotten some of the tools i needed to stay on track and I have been lost of late in sadness. but my Heavenly Father has blessed me once again with great friends. I have really been struggling lately with some things and feeling defeated, because I thought I had let some past hurts go and then suddenly out of nowhere they came back and slapped me in the face.

When my friend who was trying to get to know me better asked me that question the other day it was like a wake up call. It made me go back and find the times in my life that were happy and remember what it was that I liked to do for myself. It also made me realize that I need to make more time for myself.

The second was today:

I had a dinner party at my house tonight and so we were busy all day cleaning and getting our lessons done. I decided to make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, which i haven't made in a long time, so I went to look in my recipe box for it. I keep a folder really of hand written recipes I have gathered over the yrs. from my mom. This particular recipe was hand written on a 3x5 card, and at the top it read, Grandma's famous Oatmeal cookies. As I read those words the best feelings came rushing over me. My grandma Moneypenny passed away several years ago and I miss her so much. She always made the best cookies, and well everything. She was a great cook. She also knit and crocheted, but I didn't inherent those skills. She was a women of many talents and she loved to let me help her in the kitchen. So many fond memories of my grammie filled my mind and made me smile. I realized that I love to cook, I have loved it since I was a little girl. My sisters and I used to pretend we were on a cooking show whenever we helped mom in the kitchen. My mom and my grandma Moneypenny gave me my love of cooking. I like to cook for fun, but I haven't really had fun cooking in a long time. I dread making meals lately.

While I was making cookies the boys were outside playing and instead of bringing them into help me I decided to turn on some music and dance in my kichen while I baked my grandma's cookies. Everything that I had been thinking about concerning myself came to me at once like a warm happy blanket. I DO know what i like to do for fun, I had just forgotten how to have fun and take time for myself. So on went the radio and I danced all over my kitchen while I mixed up the best damn oatmeal chocolate chip cookies i have ever made in my whole  sad pathetic life.

I also cooked up a yummy steak tip dinner and enjoyed an evening with friends. I love entertaining people in my home, I love sharing a meal and spending time with friends, another thing I have not done in a long time.

After dinner the missionaries shared a lesson with our friends and us about  faith and finding answers to prayer. Using Joseph Smith's account of the First vision, they pointed out that if we have the determination to ask God, meaning that we have done some work ourselves, we read and search and ponder the things we want to know. We then are sincere in our questions and have a determination to ask God. As part of that plan we also need to make a plan for where we need to go to be alone and in quiet so that we can hear the answer through the still small voice. For God will not shout the answers to us, I need to find quiet in my chaotic life so that I can hear the spirit and feel my Saviors love and guidance for my life. I know He is there and that he loves me. I know he gives me trials so that I may learn and grow spiritually. I know that he sends people into my life when I need it. I know that God loves me and he gives me pain so that I can also experience joy more sweetly. I have forgotten to search for quiet peaceful places in my mind and in my home where I can hear his still small voice. I have truly felt that the recent events in my life have led me to this day where I have been reminded that I need to take time and remember the fun things in life that make me laugh and smile and bring me joy. I need to take better care of myself. I have been blessed with great friends lately and I am so grateful  for all of you and the role you have played in my life.

I am going to continue to remember and hold onto the things that I like to do for fun and start having fun again. My boys need a fun mom not a cranky mom!